WEEK 8 RECAP: Ten Feet High and Risin’

“I came out of the fucking sticks to take over the fuckin’ world.”

-John Lennon

“He said, ‘Cris, I could write a book about every position.’”

-Darth Bellichick several years ago to Cris Collinsworth, after expounding for a half an hour of the defensive end position. Collinsworth, impressed by the breadth of obsessive detail with which the coach spoke about a single position, suggested he write a book about the Defensive End. With complete earnestness, Laughing Bill made it clear that would just be the beginning of a multi-volume encyclopedia. And you know what? I have to admit it, I’d absolutely devour those books. Why not? Bellichick’s most endearing trait is also his most insane one: his unmatched devotion to every bit of minutiae related to the game of football, from its most obscure rules and situations to the weird iterations and strategies for Special Teams. Go ahead, ask him about Special Teams. The man loves Special Teams like nobody else, not even Special Teams coaches. He probably loves them more than he does his own kids. And while that might sound hyperbolic, the weirdest part is that it may not be.

Now he may carry each and every tiny morsel of football knowledge around in his brain, but he is of course a defensive mastermind before anything else. He took over coordinating the defense this year, and well… to put it simply, they are ripping every single offense to shreds at a historical pace. The Pats D is currently the seventh best player in fantasy, slotting in between Dalvin Cook and Patrick Mahomes with 181 points on the year. They have only allowed a measly 61 points in 8 games. They have 31 sacks, 19 interceptions, and 25 total turnovers, and they have scored SIX defensive touchdowns. In 8 games. Unreal. People keep saying “They can’t keep this up. Regression will come.” And yet, here they are, Week 9. Keeping it up. 

The Ravens this week will be New England’s first real test: a living, breathing, won’t-back-down, aggressive offense. It will be a blast to see how the two really match up. I hope the Birds knock the Pats flat on their asses and then rifle through their shit, taking them for everything they have.

But you know,  whatever happens it will be a good game.

Okay, so Nick Bosa seems pretty all right. Right? Cool, even. Clearly smart, humble. He seems fun. Chill. So what about all that hubbub a few months back over the kid’s Trump-touting tweets, and calling Kaepernick a clown, and generally playing the tired alt-troll shitstick part far too casually? He did apologize for his tweets, but we know how deep that usually goes.

I’m not sure what he’s doing now, and I don’t wanna know. Nick, you just keeping fucking muthafuckas up and slidin’ in the rain and I will shamelessly keep stanning you. Just maybe keep your thumb off the Twitter button and perhaps refrain from mentioning who you plan to vote for.

“What am I gonna say? You see Michael Jordan, some of the great athletic plays, you gotta tip your hat to the guy.”

-A doleful post-game Jon Gruden, tagging third-year QB Deshaun Watson with some serious GOAT shine, after his go-ahead (and eventually game-winning) touchdown against the Raiders on Sunday. To be fair, it wasn’t just any TD. As Watson rolled right out of the collapsing pocket, he was grabbed from behind by Raider Defensive End Arden Kay, and as he spun out of would-be tackler’s not insignificant grasp, Kay toppled to the ground and the tip of his cleat went through the QB’s facemask and into his eye. Watson sprung free, only to have another DE, Maxx Crosby, grab him around the ankles. As he fell toward the ground, essentially blind with one eye shut and the other half-closed from the shock of the hit, he sidearmed a 12-yard rocket into traffic, which TE Darren Fells snagged for a touchdown.