“No… Just no.”
-Baker Mayfield, when asked if Hue Jackson’s knowledge of the Browns’ offense would help the Bengals, since Jackson is now on the division rival Cincinnati coaching staff, where he took a job a mere two weeks after being fired as Cleveland’s head coach. Baker was unequivocally correct. He had a career game, throwing for 4 TDs, no interceptions, and garnering a 143.9 (!!!) passer rating in the 35-20 stomping. In the four weeks since Jackson and OC Todd Haley were fired, Mayfield’s cumulative passer rating is second only to Drew Brees. And in the past two games since Carlos Hyde was traded to the Jags and Nick Chubb released from the depth chart prison Haley was holding him in, Chubb has been on a monster tear, scoring 4 TDs and ratcheting up 337 yards from scrimmage (!!!).
We all knew it was Hue who needed to get out of the way before this team could really start playing to its potential, but I’m not sure anyone foresaw quite to what degree this was the case. Since Hard Knocks, the “Will They or Won’t They Pull Out of the Endless Tailspin” Browns have been the drama queens of the 2018 season, surpassing even the Steelers for their narrative of sheer dysfunctional lunacy crossed with a glut of on-field talent. This was a revenge game plain and simple, and the Browns made that clear at every turn. Browns cornerback Damarious Randall, his team up 21-0, intercepted a pass from Andy Dalton in the first half along the Bengals sideline and found Hue Jackson to hand him the ball. (Hue later pontificated publicly on whether this was a “sign of respect.” It was not.) After the game, when Jackson greeted Baker on the field, Baker was icy and aloof.
And yes, of course, the petty drama continues. When pressed about his snubbing of his former coach, Baker admitted that he considered Hue “defecting” to a division rival a mere two weeks after being fired a betrayal worthy of his “fuck you” body-language and later some pretty scathing trash-talk. When it was pointed out by NFL pundits, who are always looking for some inane bullshit to get self-righteous about, that Baker transferred to conference rival Oklahoma from Texas Tech, he rightfully shot down the comparison. There are numerous differences, among them Mayfield was an unpaid amateur required to sit out a full year before he could play at Oklahoma. Also Texas Tech didn’t offer him a scholarship and more or less abandoned him once he suffered an MCL injury. He lost his shit on Twitter over the accusation of hypocrisy, calling Hue “fake” and ripping him for losing 30 games (he was being nice, it was 36) and being a traitor.
At the same time, who the hell thinks there is loyalty in the NFL anymore? Hue may be terrible, but it’s his right to go wherever he wants and get paid however he can get paid for being terrible. The league has been mercenary a long time now. Of course, Baker still has every right to not be happy about it. The combination of Hue’s awfulness, cluelessness, and pettiness in joining the Bengals is pretty off-putting I imagine, despite his golden retriever personality, but Hue has got to be Hue (of course as I write this, I also remember he lost his mother and brother within two weeks of each other less than four months ago, and I feel really bad).
In all of this though, I’m not really rooting for either Hue or Baker, but the Browns. I am rooting for more drama, and yeah, even though it will lose me a 20 bet if they win even one more game this season, I’m rooting for them to win. Stupid underdogs. They get me every time.
“It didn’t mean much to be honest… Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I don’t pay much attention to him… There was a lot of trash talking before and after. But ultimately my job is to go out there and help this team win football games. I did a good enough job of that tonight with the help of my team… That’s one of the best corners in the game, and to come out and play like we did as a team against a very good defense — I think they’re ranked number three in the league — to come out and get a ‘W’ and to score some points felt good.”
-Bills QB Josh Allen, about Jalen Ramsey coming up to congratulate him after the Bills beat the Jags 24-21. More 2018 NFL pettiness and revenge, all of it glorious. We quoted Ramsey’s epic trash-talking from earlier this summer in our Season Preview, where he slagged nearly every QB in the NFL including his own, but saved his choicest words for Allen, calling him straight up “trash.” Cornerbacks talking trash (in this case literally) is one of the most colorful and entertaining aspects of the NFL, and it’s great when they actually back it up. It’s even greater when they don’t. Nearly every QB he dissed, from Andrew Luck to Dak Prescott (and WR Tyreek, whom he called no better than a “return specialist”) has schooled him and his team this season.
But the best revenge came in Week 12, and was delivered by the bottom-scraping yet feisty Bills and their “trash” quarterback. These two teams played a playoff game in January of this year, and the Jags handily dispatched the inferior Bills on their way to the AFC title game. Then over the summer the Jacksonville roster remained more or less the same, while the Bills held a fire sale of nearly all their best offensive players besides LeSean McCoy. It was expected that the Jags would continue to compete at a high level in the AFC on the strength of their top-rated defense and a Fournette-led ground and pound offense designed to limit the damage wreaked by Sir Blake Bortles, and the Bills were expected to be trash. Only one of these predictions came true. Both teams have been trash, though each has a top-10 defense and had a statement game or two in their respective 3-7 records coming into Week 12 (Jags beat the Pats and the Bills demolished the Vikings).
Allen’s passing game was far from transcendent: 8-19, a TD, and no INTs. But he rushed for 99 yards and a TD (and fumbled once). Altogether a gritty, athletic performance which was more than enough to serve up some stanky, boiled crow to the rookie QB’s self-appointed nemesis and wayward shit-talker. Meanwhile, the post-revenge detente remains lively, despite Allen’s forced stoicism. Ramsey wouldn’t retract his original low appraisal of the kid, claiming he’s not really one to change his opinion on anything, but he did admit that at the end of the day all that matters are the points on the board. In 8 out of 11 games this season, the lesser amount of points has been on the Jags’ side of the scoreboard, and it looks like their window for a potential title with this core roster is rapidly closing. Still, I hope he never shuts up.
Looks like he doesn’t plan on it:
A defining week in this NFL season. The playoff/wild card picture is shaping up, and some early pretenders have faded while a few teams we counted out have emerged full of new life. The Rams, Chargers, Saints, Chiefs and Pats remain their same old dominant selves, but many showed us newer, clearer pictures of themselves in Week 12. I have at different times this season bet on some long-odds Super Bowl futures, from the Bengals to the Ravens, not because I actually thought they would win, but because they showed bursts of dominance that given the return on the odds, seemed worth taking a flyer on. They have all faded from contention, of course.
At times this season teams such as the Bengals, the Ravens, the Lions, the Jags, the Packers, the Titans, the Falcons, the [Redacteds], the Eagles, the Bucs have looked dominant enough that in the right circumstances they could be contenders. They have all more or less dropped out of the race. Meanwhile, here come the Bears, the Cowboys, the Texans, the Colts, and the Seahawks, proving they are for real, not a one of them an easy out by any stretch. Meanwhile, nobody quite knows what to make of the Panthers, the Vikings, the Steelers, or even the Broncos. Any of those teams (except maybe Case’s Horsies) could beat you by 25 points or shart out a grand total of two field goals in four quarters while their QB gets knifed on every play by a half dozen defensive linemen, like Julius Caesar in the Senate.
And I’ll just say once again that it is so damn nice to have good, competitive NFL football back again. I know there are widespread lamentations about the explosion in offense and all of the rules crippling defenses, and I agree with some or most of them. I don’t regularly want to see 55-45 games either. However, even though the balance is tilted toward offense, Khalil Mack and Aaron Donald and Joey Bosa and JJ Watt and Xavier Rhodes and Sean Lee are all still extremely fun to watch, and they do affect the outcome of games quite a bit. And for me the uptick in quality is less about the offensive explosion as it is about a lack of sloppiness and more creative play-calling, and yes, balance. For a few years there, the amount of teams with a great offense and defense were either none or very few, and now a lot of teams have balance on both sides of the ball, even if the offense still has the advantage. At least it feels like the Ds for the Saints, Rams, Vikings, Cowboys, Chiefs, etc. can actually have an effect on the game more than a lot of offensively strong teams in the past.
Now while the all these NFL teams scrap and scramble for playoff spots, as we enter the last week of our regular season in Astral Geeks, there are 7 teams vying for 6 playoff spots. It’s a game of musical chairs, and one of those teams is going to be left without a chair after this week. There is a great deal of shuffling going on as well. The BMWs Who Give Themselves a Wedgie While Eating a Wedge Salad have a 99.9% chance of clinching the 1-seed (which yours truly held just two short weeks ago <ugh>), its $150 prize value, and a first-round bye. However, the Furleys, the Flyers, and Les Mistah Bonds with Guest Star Eli Wallach are all fighting for the number 2 seed, which comes with the other first-round bye. Either way, the top four seeds are sewn up by those teams. And Les Vague Bandits got their own bit of revenge in Week 12, making up for their loss to yours truly in Week 1 and knocking us from second place to fourth, while leap-frogging into third. Fuckers. I am so happy for them.
Fighting for the last two spots are Whiskey Drifter, Lady Balls, and Tree Frogs. The first two have been on hot streaks lately (Whiskey won their Week 12 matchup with each other to pull even), and the hot streaks look likely to continue. Tree Frogs got off to a hot start, but has suffered from QB injury troubles all season and some inconsistent play from their superstars Davante Adams and Kamara. Still, with a lineup like that nobody can count them out of this race. It should be a pretty exciting battle on all fronts as we jockey for positioning and the last three teams try to keep from being left out in the cold. Great stuff!
RALPH FURLEY’S BITCH CORNER: Ralph has got a few bones to pick this week, goddamnit! We are on a 2-game losing streak that has completely jacked us, so we’re getting this shizz off our chest! First of all, we are apparently constitutionally incapable of choosing the correct QB in any given week, and there is no doubt that will continue until we are inevitably eliminated from the playoffs. All night Saturday, I went back and forth over Cousins vs. Wentz. The industry recommended Cousins over Wentz, but Wentz wasn’t far behind. I had Cousins in there until about 2 AM. I finally gave in and went with Wentz, thinking his -2.28 game was a fluke and he would bounce back and at least give me his standard floor of 23 or so points. Cousins had the potential for a big game, but he had been so terrible for the past several weeks and he is not at all good under pressure, and it seemed like his O-Line couldn’t block a scene from a high school musical, much less Clay Matthews. I couldn’t take the chance, and at about 2 am, I switched to Wentz (knowing that whatever choice I made would of course be the wrong one). Naturally, Cousins outscored Wentz by 18 points, and my only solace is I lost by 20 points to Les Vaginal Bones, so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. And it matters even less in the long run, because Kirk Cousins will absolutely fuck me in the face either this week or in the playoffs. Guaranteed. He will throw 350 yards and Thielen will have 45 fantasy points and Cousins will somehow have 11 points. Start Cousins or staple my nuts to the wall? Which will hurt less? Tough choice. Real tough choice.
Coutee scoring 3 points was a bummer, but it really was a flyer, hoping for upside. DT taking all his glory, I don’t care. The older vet sometimes looks like he is trying to catch passes with socks on his hands, but he does have Super Bowl ring, so whatever. But MV fucking S disappearing for the entire Packers game except for 2 targets when he was making catch after game-winning catch just three weeks ago?!! Somebody needs to put Mike McCarthy in that trash compactor from Star Wars, without a way to get through to R2D2 and C3PO, and without cute Carrie Fisher to hold onto for comfort in his last agonizing seconds. I guarantee Aaron Rodgers would co-sign this plan.
Nobody can see the future, and like I said last week, it would take the fun (if this is actually fun. It is, right?) out of it. You gotta make moves. This whole game is about making moves, and if you are smart, most of your moves can be good ones. But even Jordan tossed a few airballs in his time. Even Phil Ivey gets bluffed now and then. So lots of times the battle to be the best comes down to who gets luckiest, who has the ball bounce their way one more time than the other, or whoever gets the ball last. We’ve all made some good moves, and all of us have made a few bad ones, whether they are lineup decisions or not. In addition to being smart, you gotta be pretty aggressive to keep ahead in this game.
I had Nick Chubb for a couple weeks. I dropped him. I had no idea Hyde would be traded and that Haley was burying such a superstar talent way down the depth chart. But the kid is now a top 10, if not top 5 RB for the rest of the season. Easy come, easy go, right? My biggest bust was trading away Tyreek for Michel. At the time it was an even trade. The RB sitch was bleak, and Tyreek had shown his flashes of huge potential, but was also inconsistent. Michel looked poised for top-10 production the rest of the way. I thought my scrabble of WRs (Marvin Jones, Robinson, Goodwin, MVS would be enough to make up for it. They weren’t.) Michel got injured and Tyreek blew the fuck up. My other RBs blossomed and my WRs shrivelled, and now I am probably going to lose in the playoffs to Whiskey Drifter, ironically as all hell, because he has a Top 3 WR in Tyreek (although he did just lose Melvin Gordon) and Sony is a top-15 RB at best. Tyreek the Freak and Todd Gurley would be unstoppable! But shit, you gotta make the moves and hope you get the cards. Sometimes you do, sometimes you get sucked out on the river. Sometimes you got the full house and the other dude has four of a kind. Not much you can do.
Lastly, god fucking damnit Fournette. I have been without my number one pick in the podcast league for 10 out of 12 games this season because of his ouchy-wouchy widdle hamstring (okay just kidding. I’m sure that shit hurts like biznitch) and the bye. I managed to win 6 of those 10 games without him, and then the next two once he came back and started kicking ass again. And then right in the last week, as I am on the playoff bubble, playing Jamey Eisenberg, one of the best experts in all of fantasy, and the fucking roided-up numbskull gets himself suspended for flying off the sideline and punching a dude on the Bills who had a helmet on… with his goddamn bare hands! Fucking idiot. And I have Kerryon in that league, who may not play due to injury, so I’ll be stuck playing Royce Freeman instead, which is about a 20 point swing for a couple stupid, unnecessary punches. Goddamn it, I am so pissed, Stupid Gronk did the same thing to me last year when he body-slammed a dude on the ground about 5 minutes after the whistle blew. Why is it always one of the two best players on my team that do this to me?!!!
Ugh. I hate fantasy football so much.
Anyway, good luck to you all as we fight our way into the last week of the season, playing this stupid ass game. I can’t believe it went by so fast, and also thank god it is almost over!!! Anyway, you guys are great. Best group of players we have had in our four years of existence. Thanks.
Fight hard, fight fair, and feel free to bitch all you want, regardless of how things go down. You know I would.
tg
GO PATS!!!
ASTRAL GEEKS FFL 