“I should have left.”
–Urban Meyer, from inside a full to the brim teal-colored port-a-potty that for some reason he has purposely locked and pushed over, tumbling end over end down a steep hillside and saying what everybody who even has a passing interest in the NFL has long already been thinking for awhile now. Not about him leaving the bar in the viral video where the chick was grinding on his 0-4 jock, which is what he was ostensibly referring to here. That’s just another ho-hum drop in the bucket scandal for this sweaty football proto-Trump, who clearly has never possessed an ounce of social grace or shame. No, we mean leave the Jags. Leave football. Leave fucking earth on your skeezy incompetent chaos rocket and fly straight into the sun.
Never mind that this quote was pulled right from the middle of a string of pitiful, half-considered lies, another Meyer specialty. A group of fans were trying to pull him out on the dance floor, he claimed, in stark opposition to what we could all see with our own eyeballs: That this gal was trying to light his zipper on fire with her asscheeks and he was letting her, in what was clearly a mutual arrangement. Which really, in and of itself, is just dandy. I think we all agree that lapdances are God’s work, do we not? There should be far more of them in the world, and they should be readily accessible. Make them a well-funded public utility, I say (but still tip generously, of course). And the matter of Urb’s fidelity, (or lack thereof), is ultimately his business, even if it reflects his overall lack of character.
It’s just all the other shit about this classic Urb trainwreck that is so horrendous. The hubris. The cowardice. The bald-faced dishonesty. The pure laziness. All of it straight from the Donnie Dump playbook. Never mind his history of hiring, recruiting, and defending legions (even by football standards) of rapists, criminals, abusers, and literal fucking Nazis. Here is a dude who made all kinds of reckless demands and fuckups that resulted in this winless slide, who is wasting a consensus generational QB prospect’s inaugural season, and who has completely lost the respect and trust of the entire organization, from the players to the dudes who cut the grass — and he thinks that instead of circling the wagons and burning the midnight oil to find some way out of it like any halfway competent NFL coach would do, that he can not only take Saturday night off to get sauced and publicly “cheat” on his wife (who is no peach either, to be fair), but then lie (badly) about it, and THEN avoid his players by skipping out on the regular Monday team meeting (he apologized to each position group separately, like the true hero he is). That’s sure to turn this tailspin around and win everybody over.
This is the guy who famously said, “Every week is like playing Alabama in the NFL.” First of all, no the fuck it is not. We are going to settle this argument forever right here. The final word on the subject, are you ready? Urb, even your upside down port-a-potty of a Jags team would destroy Alabama 57-6, and we would all enjoy watching it happen and shutting the Bamalama Dickwads up once and for all. You hafta shoot much much higher than a team whose tuba player is considered essential personnel, my dude. This is not the Big 12, where you can hire Paulie Walnuts and Chris Moltisanti to coach your team and recruit an entire prison gang from the Northern Ohio Supermax to play on your D-Line; where you can stay up late Friday night smoking crushed Viagra mixed with laundry detergent and sniffing Hungarian mail order panties and call plays hungover from your bed on Saturday by texting your AC — and still beat Southwestern Illinois Tech Bible Institute 85-13. Everybody here is a fucking professional. Many of them get paid more than movie stars and tech CEOs for a reason. This is their job and nobody on the planet is better at what they do than they are.
Not so for you, of course. The meritocracy does not exist for coaches in the same way it does for players, but the Piper does come a-calling just the same, no matter how badly Pakistani PT Barnum wants you to stay. Your half ass third-tier mobster fraud approach will never ever cut it among real professionals, just as Trump is lost in any room where people have even the slightest idea what the fuck is actually going on. You are the Four Seasons Total Landscaping of football, and even that was a more dignified ending than you will get in the NFL.
So yeah we all agree, you definitely should have left.
A long, long time ago.
“I should have just thrown it to Demarcus in the flat.”
-Patrick Lavon Mahomes the Second, reflecting on his first interception of the 2021 season in Week 2, in which he tried to chuck it to Kelce while falling to the ground with a linebacker wrapped around his legs, and instead looped it right into the arms of Baltimore CB Tavon Young.
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