“…coaching…”
-Justin Fields, during a Wednesday press conference following the Bears’ Week 3 loss to the Bucs, when asked why he thought, in his own words, that he was playing “robotically” and not like himself. To be fair the full quote was “Could be coaching…” but those are some big, juicy lines to read between.
“We just lost a game in overtime, Jeff, so how do you think the mood is?”
-Odds on favorite First Coach to Be Fired, Charger Honcho Brandon Staley, getting testy with Jeff Miller of the L.A. Times after bitterly dismissing the theory that last year’s historic Wild Card collapse against the Jaguars was still affecting the team.
“We got our ass kicked… if I knew, it wouldn’t have happened. That’s a BS question, man.”
-Feisty beard guy, Matt LaFleur, after the Thursday night drubbing by division rival Detroit Lions, after being asked why his Packers fell behind 27-3 in the first half.
“I just finished telling you. Next question.”
-Laff-a-Minute UberCoach, Sean Payton, after a historic disembowelment by sly nerdboy genius Mike McDaniel and his speed demon Dolphins.
Mopey, irascible press conferences are as old as the sport itself (usually after a loss, but also Bill Bellichick exists). Historically, despite the grumbling, they tend to be couched in the same old platitudes and disingenuous go-getterism that plagues all NFL media appearances. Lately, much to our collective amusement (or mine, at least), a little more venom has seeped into these chats from coaches who have already lost the willingness to put up any kind of front. But it isn’t just coaches. Here we also have quarterback Justin Fields’ refreshing candor about the painfully shitty coaches on his (then?) painfully shitty team, which was in the midst of an epic freefall that included a 14-game losing streak, going all the way back to last year (and which ended this past Thursday – more on that in a minute). Fields didn’t have it in him to publicly spout the same play-nice bullshit anymore, though he wasn’t quite willing to go all the way and wax about his own shortcomings as well. Now that would be worth tuning in for.
These little outbursts are amusing and watching some of the most tightly wound people in the world snap, crackle, and pop is preferable to a litany of side-stepping cliches. But don’t get me wrong — Fuck these coaches. They deserve everything they get. That said, it’s true that most of the time the press does ask a lot of dumb questions, eliciting even dumber answers from guys who have no incentive whatsoever to be candid. Based on nothing but my own mild hunch, I attribute this rash of emoting to years of Dan Campbell fighting big, juicy tears after each of the Lions’ many, many ugly losses. A big, dumb, lovable bear like Campbell letting his feelings show through may be awkward for those in the room, but overall they seem to stem from the passions of a man who just wants good things for his team. With some of these other guys, though, once you start to peel away the layers, you realize that that obsessive drive to compete masks a whole cauldron of unresolved rage, narcissism, control issues, and a potent mix of dangerous personality disorders. I mean, good on them for forsaking their own mental health and serenity to be a pathologically overworked cog in this great sport we all love so much. But it sure makes it easy to dislike them all the same.
Which, I know, isn’t exactly fair. Staley, in his own right, has given us some genuinely exciting moments as the Chargers head coach. It’s not too hard to have some pity for the guy, who clearly just doesn’t have enough of what it takes to carry this trove of elite talent deep into the playoffs. Chargers are gonna Charger now and then, we all know it, but still, every year since Herbert showed up, they should be the team you really don’t want to see in the playoffs. Yet you, me, your dog, that B.O.-smelling dude who does your taxes, your pervo uncle Morris, all the way up to Staley himself – we all know full well that come January, this team is invariably going to shoot itself in the dick in the fourth quarter of a Wild Card game that never should have been that close in the first place.
Meanwhile, Lafleur and his impeccably groomed facial hair seem like all right guys. After all, the man looks just like your personal trainer, and that guy turned you on to those “vitamins” that make your muscles bulge and take away the need for superfluous time-wasting shit like sleep. You know, at the very least you have to pity the man for all the years he was held hostage by child king Ayahuasca Rodgers, making his life hell for not letting him just “go with the flow and feel the energy out there, man, like Nate always let me do. That guy’s a true believer, you know, and who doesn’t love a guy that loves Goldmember more than he loves his own family and who also lets me just breathe through my eyelids and make magic happen with Davante on every play…”
Now, when it comes to Sean Payton… HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Truly, fuck that guy. Watching the Taciturn Taskmaster take 70 straight kicks to the nuts was the most hilariously satisfying thing I’ve seen in a long time. Look, I rooted for his Saints against the Colts in Super Bowl 45, mostly because I have my own pathological soft spot for the underdog (and that surprise onside kick was fun as hell). I enjoyed Robert Mays’ deep dive into his dynamic and successful relationship with Drew Brees, and since Mays’ enthusiasm is contagious I too felt enthusiastic. But Payton has always been a dickhead. From tacitly abetting Bountygate to chewing out the poor delivery guy who brought him the wrong ice cream during his post-no-call-DPI loss-to-the-Rams-in-the-NFC-Championship depressive isolation to the recent bit of ill-considered candor where he called out everybody’s favorite Goldmember Lover for “one of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL.”
Which, let’s face it, is not inaccurate, though any such conversation has to start with Hue Jackson and his 3-36-1 tenure with the Browns. However, regardless of whether you’re saying something that everybody already knows to be true, if you’re gonna publicly shank another coach, you better back that shit up with more than just a resume of past accomplishments. Payton came a-swaggering into Broncos HQ with his big fat salary and stern, get-down-ta-bizniz ‘tude, thinking his dirty azz don’t stank, acting like the Big Bad Final Boss… and just got absolutely leveled right out of the gate. Weeks 1 through 3 he got every one of his teeth kicked in and then in Week 4, barely managed to escape with his life from the Ass Bowl, which turned into a surprising shootout with the massively (then?) cursed Bears team.
In the midst of all that, Payton suffered an historic 50-point loss to the Dolphins, delicious payback for his monumental arrogance. A lotta people out there calling McDaniel classy for not kicking the field goal and going for the record at the end of the game. Whereas, by all appearances his ruthless and relentless attack on his opponent, running the score into unprecedented territory, was surely a message on behalf of the Dolphins and the rest of the league for Payton to either Put Up or Shut the Fuck Up Forever. Not kicking the field goal had its own practical purpose. Publicly, it made McDaniel seem like a real mensch for “showing mercy,” which after 10 touchdowns, lol ok sure, I guess could be called “mercy.” Either way the message to Payton was clear: I can choose at will whether to score or not score on you, Big Man. The fact that I don’t have to is the clearest kind of Fuck You there is. Mebbe think about that next time you open your mouth about “bad coaching.”
Of course, McDaniel and his Fins then turned around and immediately got ka-thwonked by a resurgent Bills team, losing 212-10 or whatever. After all, in the NFL what comes around almost always goes around eventually. Even the Bears managed to snap their endless losing streak with convincing style, kicking the ever-living tamales out of the C-Words, 40-20, with DJ Moore finally looking like the high value trade acquisition everyone had been waiting for. Dude had like 4000 yards and 17 TDs in one game, so good luck if you are facing him this week.
Payton, meanwhile, is still as mirthless and grumbly as ever. It’s not like I can stand to watch a bunch of Broncos post-game pressers or anything, so I don’t know this firsthand — but it has been pointed out that not once, from training camp on, has Payton publicly talked about his players in a positive, complimentary way. If anything, he appears to see them as obstacles, holding him back from where he wants to get to. If that’s the case, I see a lot more rage-fueled pressers in his future. And for me, that’s not exactly a bad thing – especially if he continues to take it out on Russ.
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