The most recent data I can find, from right before Week 1 began, says that 93.5% of NFL players are fully vaccinated against COVID-19. I have to say, this is actually a bit of a surprise, given that the two major player demographics are African-American and God-Slobbering Bumblefuck Red State Morons who consider any deed that would benefit the greater good a catastrophic affront to the founding principles of self-reliance1 and the Great American Godhead of Christ, the NRA, and Oliver North. The majority of both groups have been deeply skeptical of the COVID vaccine, for generally very different reasons. The former, given the long, horrific history of medical abuse and malpractice toward black people in this country, are understandably wary of being injected en masse with anything a bunch of white people say is AOK. The latter, who believe Jesus rode a brontosaurus into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, Fauci runs a Satanic 5G-powered mutant pedophile ring, and would rather get a dozen Facemask Penalties than wear a mask inside a Walmart for even five minutes, have been so brain-melted by the Right Wing Propaganda Firehose (whose members are, across the board, vaccinated themselves) that they have all suddenly become devout Christian Scientists swearing off the likes of Tylenol, kidney dialysis, and life-saving heart surgery (everything but Viagra – that comes straight from God), and would happily spit the Bubonic Plague in their kids’ mouths just to stick it to Joe Biden.2
It turns out however, that despite widespread mixed feelings among players about the vaccine, the NFLPA came out early this year as very Pro, negotiating with the league for rigorous testing, incentives for getting the vaccine, and strict quarantine protocols for unvaccinated players who test positive or are exposed to the virus. Therefore, despite its waffling on the associated costs and hassle of such protocols, the NFL, motivated as ever by pure unadulterated greed, fell bass ackwards into doing something approximating the right thing. We all know they wouldn’t bat an eye if every single player melted into a puddle of bloody mucus and chicken bones in the locker room, as long as it didn’t cost them any money.
Directed by Kirk Cameron.
However, it turns out sick, virus-spewing players are bad for business. And the business end of the league, despite its carefully marketed brand of Loving the Troops and Ra Ra God Is Our Coach nonsense, believes in science (TB12-ish gobbledygook and its ilk the obvious exceptions). Because, when it comes to elite performance, health, analytics, and nearly everything that makes the NFL a successful multi-billion dollar product, science is the driving force. It doesn’t matter if you can’t spell “spaghetti” or are a braindead Q Anon devotee, you’re still going to use every bit of elite medicine, training, and research you can to optimize your performance and find the edge that can safeguard your multi-million dollar salary. For all of these athletes to willfully ignore this is madness.
Yet despite these rules being put forth by their own union, there have been several high-profile Anti-Vaxers of this type, from Kirk “Plexiglass” Cousins to Lamar Jackson to Nick Bosa — some more outspoken than others, some who, like Bosa, caved and got the vaccine because it was too much of a liability not to. But Cole Beasley, a proud member or the Even Daring to Talk Aloud About the Individual and Societal Benefits of the Vaccine Makes Thomas Jefferson Weep Red White and Blue Tears Society3, will absolutely not shut the fuck up about how unjust it all is, and we can expect him to blabber thusly until he either dies of asphyxiation in an ICU bed he is occupying in the place of a highway car crash victim, or the Bills once again get knocked out of the playoffs by the Mahomes Death Machine — whichever comes first. His newest Christo-Libertarian Death Cult gambit, in response to the Bills being one of four NFL teams to only allow vaxed fans to attend games at their home stadium, has promised to buy tickets for Bills fans attending away games who refuse to get vaccines (and who, one can only assume, have shrieked at at least one Cinnabon employee about the tyranny of their store’s Mask Up, Be Safe poster). Given all the despicable and egregious things the NFL has perpetrated, it’s good to see that requiring fans to not carelessly afflict others with a fatal disease is what has the Patrick Henry of the NFL all fired up.
Gimme COVID or Give Me Death!
Oh no, Great Warrior of the Virus Crusades, if you perish what will we do without your 9.8 fantasy points every week?
“Nobody wants to see a player taunting another player.”
–NY Giants owner John Mara, a member of the NFL’s Competition Committee, and apparently the man responsible for the rash of utterly hideous “taunting” penalties in Week 2.
Ok, what the fobbledy fuck is this paste-eating dweeboid talking about? Literally everyone who watches football wants to see that. At least what they have been calling taunting, which to me looks like a bit of well-earned showboating mixed with some run-of-the-mill shit-talk.
Look, the officiating over the weekend was garbage across the board, from the Julio Jones TD being pulled for no good reason whatsoever (the toe-tapping master’s foot was clearly in, but Henry made up for it in the long run), to Herbert getting called for a sack that was so erroneous it had Romo and Nance shouting “Noooo!” on live television, to the usual ghost PI calls and the Lebron treatment for guys like Brady and Mahomes.4
sharpens pencils in his butthole.
ASTRAL GEEKS FFL 